There is a song that really gets to me when I hear it. It gets to me so that I have visions. By visions, the best way to explain it is that I have my own music video in my head. I think this song gets to me strongly enough that even if I could see the music video for this song, I don't think it would change what I envision the next time I heard the song. My visions represent to me what I truly want to be as a person. This song...it means to me that you have to fight for people and work to undo the damage the demons have done. ______, if he taught me anything taught me that this can be done. This song has me thinking of a better and stronger me....crouching down on the floor of an almost empty room next to somebody curled up and the song plays and I see the whole scene all the way around. (I have to admit...the somebody is always a guy but I am pretty sure this is only because a guy sings the song) By the end of the song, that guy knows he matters. I feel so good because I've gotten through. I swear this song and a recommendation from my counselor are two reasons for me to consider social services. Thing is, I envision it reversed sometimes...like somebody walks in and its me curled up on the floor and the guy gets through to me...and he holds me...and that's where I am, in the guy's arms, when the song ends. The song is Hemorrage by Fuel.

I do feel held a lot by God, Jesus, both. I ache though for a guy just holding me...and I feel ashamed for that I really do. I have seriously felt desperate for that...and I feel vulnerable and this little voice says get a man who can take care of you..blah blah blah...and I know it's crap. Especially the "get a man" part. There's no such thing as "getting" somebody male or female. Plus, the whole "take care of me" part opens up a whole other can of worms. Like I'm some invalid with my bipolar-ness. Man. I have definitely gotten through quite a bit of myself in these the wee hours of the morning. Dear God, please be there for my family, my friends, the sick, the afflicted, the grieving, the military, and help for there to be peace on earth. Please help me to have patience and peace of mind. Please forgive me of my sins and thank you for my many blessings. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

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